Musings | Farewell to 24

20 March 2019

Hi fell@s,

Hope you are all well. It has been a while since I have posted something (really personal) here. 2019 is a year where I am challenging myself to accept more the idea of vulnerability. well, trying  at least ahaa !

In a few days, I will turn 25. "Le quart du siècle" as we call it in French. 

When I was younger, I used to think of that age as the official beginning of adulthood, the real deal you know, which for me, equated to being in a relationship, having my own family, building a nice home with tons of books and plants, and so on and so forth... Mind you, that was my 8 years old self fantasies, my definition of happiness. Ambitious you would say, I know...

However, Life has funny ways to make us morph into other skins. After harsh teen years spent in survival mode and a high level of stress, tangled up in a lot of insecurities and frustration, feeling almost estranged to the world and to my own body, I remember at 17, thinking about reaching 25 and wishing to be a more dashing and brave version of my teen-self, to have become more confident, more loved, more "popular" and, above all, to have the luxury to decide my own path, who I wanted to be (and not who I should be to make other people content) and eventually, feeling more at peace in my skin. Something that felt impossible at that age…

Here I am now, blossoming into my 25 springs, and I am glad I have now allowed myself to own most of my shortcomings. I grew confident in my resilience and learn to use all the emotional abuse I received as well as the one I have exercised on myself and turn it into something similar to a turtle carapace. Hard shell, soft inside…

I have been blessed enough in the first half of my 20s to have encountered incredible souls who have allowed me to proudly bloom, instead of perpetually shrinking myself to be the less visible possible, in order not to rub people in the wrong way..What a waste of time ! 

I once saw on Tumblr, a post where somebody wrote: “May we look back at all of our past sufferings and acknowledge that it was all worth it”. 

I feel like I am now close to that. It’s not easy every day and the road can still be very bumpy; and I do feel lost from time to time. But I am happy to have fought all my battles and to have come through them, one by one, bruises and all…

Stay inspired. 

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